i feel my bones
breaking
cracking
from the pits of what i call this
the hollow beneath the noise
the place where old feelings settle
and refuse to leave
the desire of fields and men
who leave me with their ghosts
and i ache for it
the feeling
the devotion
the matrimony of wanting
the need to belong somewhere
even if only for a moment
i sting like startled bees
knees twisting beneath me
and everything feels
ever so melancholy
the air feels heavier here
like rain that never falls
like words caught in throats
waiting for permission
my back bends and bleeds
beneath old memories
the desire of once
where i spin in circles
around a place i used to hold onto
like it could save me from myself
and i’m tired
not of living
but of carrying so much feeling
through ordinary days
begging to feel
some sense of normalcy
in a world where i seem to feel
everything at once
the lights
the sounds
the way people leave rooms
without realizing what they take with them
i break to bend
bend to survive
and hell is sometimes nothing more
than feeling too much
for too long
this man i used to be
yes
used to be
still visits me sometimes
through songs heard accidentally
through late drives
through the smell of summer pavement
after the sun has gone down
i feel him every once in a while
the fingers
how they used to twist together
in chaos and comfort
how hands could say things
mouths never learned how to
until time itself
began twisting with us
i loved in the ether
in possibility
in moments i still leave you inside
moments pointed toward forever
time chambered and waiting
your fingers locked inside mine
the warmth of your skin
the pulse beneath your wrist
the way silence felt softer
when you occupied it with me
i know you feel this
i know there is some part of you
that remembers too
because memory does not disappear
it changes shape
it settles deeper
it learns how to hide
i can still taste the memory of it
the warmth
the longing
the ache of being seen
the feeling that for a moment
someone looked directly at me
and understood
but can you feel it
when the room falls silent
when the night grows heavy
when memory reaches for you
the way it still reaches for me
pulling softly
like fingers intertwined
refusing to let go completely